Beds
by losercandy
Summary: The kinds of things you think about as you fall asleep [Contains sexual relationship between Rick/Vyvyan and emotional relationship between Vyvyan/(asexual) Neil]


Vyvyan has never slept in Rick's bed. No matter how hard Rick prays. He's agnostic, _technically_ but... Some people have accused him of not believing in God because he's self-important, but it's really in his most self-important moments that he does believe in God. Who wouldn't want to believe that there is an all-powerful being out there, listening to them?

Vyvyan's hands are warm, his mouth is warm, his body is warm. Rick needs to feel warm. He wants to wrap himself in it forever, or at least as long as he can. Vyvyan never lets him hold onto it long enough. Vyvyan's not even the one being selfish here. It's Rick. Vyvyan spelled it out very, very carefully. Rick had been the instigator, and Vyvyan had put up the boundaries. Rick had agreed. Rick foolishly renewed the contract with frequency. Rick never meant a word of it. Let words spill from his lips just to get him back for a moment. Rick would say anything. Rick was a liar. Rick was the one being selfish. Feeling all these things about Vyvyan when he had expressly been asked not to. Dwelling on them. Praying about them. Divine intervention was cheating. Selfish, selfish, foolish boy. Vyvyan's skin was not enough for him. It was all he had. He was desperate for more, and angry about all the places he couldn't reach. Angry about all the parts of himself he would give to Vyvyan if he asked. All the parts of himself that belonged to Vyvyan without him asking. It was selfish to give himself away like that when it wasn't wanted. To give Vyvyan ownership of things he so clearly feared Rick would give him. Vyvyan had Rick's body and wanted no more of him. Rick wanted everything Vyvyan had, but he would have settled, would have given anything, for Vyvyan to sleep in his bed.

Vyvan slept in two different beds in the house, and neither of them were Rick's.

Vyvyan crawls into bed beside Neil and wraps and arm around him. He always feels a pang of guilt deep in his gut when he returns from Rick's room, no matter how many times Neil insists that it's fine. Neil is happy for him. Neil is relieved by it. Neil doesn't want to be touched the way Vyvyan touches Rick. Neil doesn't want to touch the way Rick touches Vyvyan. Neil wants _this. _Just closeness. Neil is glad that Vyvyan understands and respects and Neil is glad that Vyvyan isn't suffering for his sake. That they can be with each other and Neil doesn't have to feel like he's letting Vyvyan down.

Neil never knows what Vyvyan should call him. The word friend doesn't seem big enough, deep enough. They're more than friends, but the phrase "more than friends" has so many modern implications that leave bad tastes in Neil's mouth. Neil and Vyvyan are more than friends because they've seen so many places in each other's brains. Understood so many places in each other's brains. Neil and Vyvyan are more than friends because their souls are always talking, somewhere else, somewhere above them, surrounding them. They are more than friends because he can feel them connect on other levels, in other planes of reality. Neil and Vyvyan are more than friends, Neil and Vyvyan are soulmates. Neil hates the connotations, but those are the only words he can find that seem right.

Vyvyan waits and makes sure Neil is asleep before he lets himself fall asleep. He does it every night. He knows how tough it can be in the dark, trying to be still and calm and quiet and restful. Stillness and darkness agitate the worst parts of Neil's brain. Vyvyan hopes that being there is enough to quiet it down. He knows he can never, ever, ever make Neil stop thinking those things. He just hopes he can be enough to make him realize that there are other things out there. Things outside Neil's mind. Neil needs to be reminded a lot. Vyvyan hopes that he is enough. His breathing, his arm on Neil, his simple presence. He hopes it's a comforting one. Neil hasn't told him yet. But Vyvyan considers that he's been sleeping in Neil's bed for about a month now. A full month, almost. Maybe a week off. And he used to only be asked in when things were really, really heavy. Now it's common. It's habit. Maybe Neil does sleep better like this. Maybe Vyvyan can be just enough. Just barely enough. He never bothers Neil with the details, but Neil is enough for him. More than enough. Neil will listen to any word that comes out of Vyvyan's mouth, and even worse, he actually wants to know. Everything. Every thought in Vyvyan's head. Neil is curious about him. Vyvyan had never had a good track record of being listened to. Of being encouraged to speak. At first it was uncomfortable and necessary, and now it's more normalized, it's more natural. He still finds the urge to choke down the words and not think, not speak, not dwell. Doubt himself. But Neil knows. Neil always knows. Neil's hands always find him in those moments and Neil's voice always tells him it's okay to be quiet sometimes when your brain won't let you speak and Neil's shoulder is always there for Vyvyan to put his head on and Neil is always there. Neil is always there. Poor Neil, broken Neil, unfixable Neil. Neil who doesn't love himself because he spends too much time caring about everyone, every_thing, _else. Neil who would never believe how essential he was. Neil who was asleep and Neil who Vyvyan holds onto too tightly.

Vyvyan is drifting off and this is when the guilt always seeps in. He feels like he's using Rick and Neil at the same time. Rick's use is obvious. Rick knows what he's there for. Rick swears up and down that he's fine, and Vyvyan knows he's not, but he doesn't want to stop. Neil doesn't know how he's being used and that might be worse. Neil is Vyvyan's stupid emotional outlet. Neil has decades of repressed thoughts thrown upon him at every turn and accepts them, _asks _for them. Vyvyan knows he must only be adding to Neil's misery, but he can't make himself shut up, can't tear himself away. He needs it. Vyvyan feels like he's using Neil as a life preserver when Neil is the one who is drowning. He wants to help Neil, hopes he helps Neil, really does care about Neil. But guilt is his disease. Neil has told him so several dozen times. Vyvyan believes that guilt is his disease, but he doesn't believe Neil when he says it's not warranted. And that just hurts him more because it makes him realize that Neil may not believe him when he tells him that he's loved.


End file.
